For most couples, the intimacy and passion dies once the honeymoon is over. For them, it is a mystery how couples enjoy active sex life decades into their marriage. Lack of sexual intimacy is one major reason for divorce. Rekindling that intimacy will help you avoid separation.
The major reasons for lack of intimacy are outside your bedroom and have nothing to do with your sexual desires or libido. If you have a regular pattern of love, mutual respect and togetherness, you can keep your sex life active – several years into your marriage. Here we discuss the reasons for lack of intimacy and what you can do.
1. The Biggest Reason: Lack of availability
In Kerala scene, husband living in Gulf countries while wife staying at home is a common sight. It is also possible both the partners live in two different states within India, pursing their careers. Both husband and wife have to make adjustments when it comes to sex life – daily sex action is not available for people in such long distance relations.
At least in rare cases, the frustration and depression of such long distance relations can lead to extramarital relations, which can further worsen the situation.
What You Can Do?
Couples need to take some tough decisions to avoid the distance between them. Try to find employment at the same place – either husband move closer to wife or vice versa. If it is not possible, try to unite as often as possible – by ways of quick holidays near either partner's place. If both partners can't take leave from work at the same time, one take a leave for one week or two and move closer to the other one's place. If both can get leave at the same time, go on a holiday for a week or two. This will compensate for the distance between you.
Unavailability Even When Couples Live Under the Same Roof
Sometimes the couples are not physically available. Most times, they are not emotionally available or mentally prepared for intimacy. After they come from work, they are tired, worn out and not in a good mood.
You can't think about anything and only thing you remember doing is showing your anger and frustrations to anybody who is around. And, needless to say, it is not going to help you.
You are not in the mood of talking to family members, taking up your hobbies, or cuddling with your loved one. Because you are tired, stressed and worn out, you only want some rest, some sleep.
What You Can Do About It!
Keep your mind relaxed – while at work. Write down the things you need to do at work. Then score off items as you finish them. Believe me, this is a very satisfying exercise. Once you are ready to leave office, you can leave with the knowledge that you have finished the tasks. This in itself will take a load of tensions and stress from your head.
When you finally see your loved one at home, the stress from work won't affect you. You can go ahead for cuddling, kissing and feeling each other up.
2. Tensions in Relationship
In case the couples have fights, it will take keep sex away. If you fight all day, you can't have sex in the night. If you fight outside the bedroom, you can't kindle sex inside.
What you can do:
Identify the cause of the fight. Write the issues down. Take stock of the issues without blaming your partner. Encourage your partner to do the same.
Then, both of you work together to discover a solution which is already there. You will be surprised how easy it is to solve problems if your focus is more on solutions than on problems.
3. Lack of Shared Experiences
Our people have a tendency of ignoring the pleasant things life has in store for them. Togetherness between husband and wife is a rare thing. When was the last time you watched a sunset while holding your loved one's hands? Probably it was a long time ago. The lack of such shared experiences increases mental differences between partners.
What you can do:
Take a weekend trip to a park, a beach, a movie, a nice restaurant, or wherever you like. Such shared experiences will increase trust and bonding between the two.
4. Boring Dressing and Unhealthy Body Shape
Once there are kids in the family, people (mostly women) tend to forget dressing up and being fashionable. The beautiful body shape also wanes away.
What you can do:
Exercise every day. Eat lot of fruits and vegetables. Drink at least three liters of water every single day. Wear beautiful dresses even while you are at home. I hope you won't ask why.
5. Thinking You Can't Have A Sex Life Again
There is no truth in assuming you can't start enjoying your sex life once again. According to several studies in the west, doctors found several couples having great sex – in their 80s. Sex is not off-limits – even if you think you are aged.
What you can do
Discover what really turns you on. Your partner can't discover it on his/her own, even if they tried. Talk to your partner about the kind of music you love, the kind of smells you enjoy and the kinds of touch you like to receive. The key is to understand what your loved one likes and communicating your likes with no ambiguity.
Rediscovering sexual intimacy will put that excitement and passion back into your married life. It is like starting a honeymoon period all over again.
Our article published in Arogyapadmam Magazine - December 2018
Our Article published in Our KIDS Magazine-October 2018