30 March, 2015
Do you believe compatibility issues always lead to conflict in family and eventual separation? The incompatibilities can make your life even fuller – if you know how to deal with those incompatibilities in your partner. Read on...
The husband loves western music and the wife likes Malayalam film music. There is a compatibility issue. Is this a life-threatening situation or an opportunity for a great rewarding situation?
If you are the husband, expand your musical tastes by learning to appreciate the beats and rhythms of Malayalam music. Western music expands the horizon of the wife too. In short, if both the couples learn to like what the other one loves, both of them are in for a pleasant surprise.
However, not all compatibility issues are circled around music or musical tastes. There are other issues too. Such points can be turned positive too. You just have to use your creative powers.
When it comes to Kerala scene (and Indian scene in general), there is a lot of chances for incompatibilities.
The economic condition of the partners are very different – one from medium economic background and the other very high economic conditions. Adjusting to the partner can be difficult for both the partners.
If it is an inter-caste or inter-religion marriage, the partners can feel very difficult getting go of their old habits. Dealing with the relatives can also pose a major problem.
It will lead to major problem if one of the partners is forced to convert.
There can also be incompatibilities in food habits – one of them vegetarian and the other is non-vegetarian. The positive side is, both partners can eat their favourite items without sharing with the partner. That is, you bought some item that you like very much and you can eat the last morsel of the item – and your partner won't touch it. And your partner also has this advantage.
For most of the couples, the incompatibilities are a shipwreck situation. They often ask this question:
In the earlier days of your marriage, both the partners looked for similarities in tastes and choices. As time passed, the similarities are taken for granted and the differences are major issues.
Accept and Encourage those Differences
Both the couples can make their life a lot more fulfilling by accepting and encouraging those differences. It makes the family work better.
The wife is always irritated by how untidy her husband is. He doesn't care if there are clothes on the floor, or even if the dishes are dirty.
The wife can choose to fight with husband to change him and make him tidy things up, clean the dishes and to wash the clothes. She can also choose to see she need not be stressed about untidiness in the house. She can also leave it as such – without her husband even noticing anything unnatural. She can take rest, pursue some hobbies, read her favorite novel, etc (than cleaning the house up).
Of course, the house needs cleaning a few times a week and it can happen at your convenience.
The main incompatibility issues are around sex, finances and household chores. There are also incompatible issues around social relations, career choices and family relations.
Every couple has some levels of differences. This is because every person is unique. When the partners have very little differences, it is easy to get by. However, partners with big differences can enjoy life even better. The differences itself become the secret ingredient of happiness and togetherness.
What Not to Do
If you live with an incompatible partner, this is what you must never do:
Try all the time to 'change' your partner to suit you.
When you always try to change your partner to your viewpoint, it will always lead to conflicts. The conflicts can escalate to such levels that you think separation is the only way.
If separation happens, you will think incompatibilities lead to the separation. Incompatibilities don't lead to separation – your inability to engage your partner does.
What You Can Do
This is the type of incompatible couples who fare even better than compatible partners – most of the time. They:
Clearly understanding and following up with those three points will bring happiness and fullness into the lives of incompatible partners. If you can't discover ways of celebrating those indifferences, you may need some professional help. It is worth it, because what you get in return is a rewarding family life.
Without turning defensive, you can stand your ground at times of conflict. Defensive behavior leads to unwanted fights. Turning away from the conflict may avoid the fight, but doesn't solve the issue. Handling the issue with a sense of self-respect and maturity will help you manage the situation.
You are an important member of the family. You are a matured, self-respecting individual who has his/her own interests, needs, desires, strengths, and weaknesses. And, there is no good coming your way putting aside your interests, desires and needs.
It may sound a blessing that you don't have to live with an incompatible partner. The truth is, incompatible partners can make happier families – just by understanding, acknowledging and dealing with the differences – like grown-ups.