Toxic Relationships And Mental Health
02 February, 2022 (consolace.com)
ARE YOU IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?
Have you ever been told to run while you are legcuffed? Have you ever been told to breathe after getting hit on lungs?
Have you ever been told to see while you are blindfolded? If 'NO', then congratulations! You have not been in a toxic relationship yet because a toxic relationship might feel something exactly like the above-mentioned situations. But, not everyone is fortunate enough to have a healthy relationship. Also, not many of us are good at recognizing toxic relationships like in the case of Anju (name changed) who took almost half a decade to know that what she called love was not really love but just a toxic relationship.
Anju was in her late twenties when I first met her. A lean woman, with barely any facial expressions other than a constant pall of sadness over her face. She looked exhausted as if she knew that she failed herself and I knew that she needed help.
Anju, as I said, was stuck in a toxic marriage. Here is what she shared with me-
It was at first difficult for her to open up because she was of course disappointed with herself but more than that she blamed herself for disappointing her parents. It was she who found the groom for her and not her parents. Since it was a love marriage she didn't have enough courage to share her marital problems with her parents. I asked her what makes her feel that she is in a toxic relationship. She shared the following points with me and asked me to analyse the situation.
Signs of a Toxic Marriage:
● Unpredictable behaviour from partner: According to Anju, her partner was very nice and warm to her but he had this unpredictable behaviour of getting moody and angry without any reason. She said, for years she would wait for her husband to come from the office not knowing how his mood would be when he comes. He might have left the home quite happily in the morning but that is not how returns in the evening. She still doesn't know the reason why he does so. Basically, he was nice and warm to her only when he felt nice. In short, she was only happy when he was happy.
● You should be happy only if your partner is happy: What is love? Love is when two people share their happiness and their sorrows together. What if you are the only one who gets happy when your partner is happy and gets sad when your partner is sad. While your partner has nothing to do with your state of mind. If he is happy, you are bound to be happy even if you are feeling low for some reason and your happiness doesn't mean a thing to them if they are not in a good mood. "Is that even love?", asked Anju. She also shared a small incident with me to validate her point. She said, once she was invited to a friend's wedding and her husband couldn't join as he was working out of town. It was her close friend's wedding. So, she decided to go even if her husband couldn't come. Though he allowed her to go, he kept on blaming her for enjoying with her friends when her husband was working hard at the office. The whole day he made her feel guilty for enjoying a function without her husband. "That indeed is toxic, isn't it?", she said.
● When your partner limits your growth: How do you feel when everyone else praises you for your achievement but not your husband. In fact, your husband doesn't consider it to be an achievement as he says, a woman's biggest achievement is watching her husband reach great heights. Is it just a wife's duty to support her husband and not the husband's to support his wife? Anju was very clear with her points. I continued to listen to her as she spoke.
● Possessiveness is toxicity in disguise: She said her partner stopped her from going out alone and exploring things on her own from the very start of their relationship. At first, she liked it as she thought her partner was very caring towards her. During the early years of marriage she quite enjoyed his possessiveness as she thought he loved her more than anything else. But later she found it to be quite suffocating and missed her freedom and space. She shared another incident with me where she says that she was offered a job which she really wanted to take up but her husband politely discarded the idea saying that she doesn't have to work under anyone else and take up all the stress and tension when her husband is earning enough to take good care of her. It was not about money but her desire to do what she really enjoys doing. Love demands freedom and space. You cannot always stop someone from doing anything and everything.
Anju shared with me numerous other points and incidents that proved that she was indeed in a toxic marriage. She was all in tears once she finished speaking. What I could infer from her words was that she loved her husband despite the fact that she now knew that his love is toxic. She was extremely disappointed and sad with her current life. I decided to offer them a couple therapy as I believed that the toxicity in their relationship can be diluted. The therapy sessions did help them understand each other and improve their relationship.
Toxicity isn't limited to marriage. There can be a toxic parent-child relationship too. Any relationship can become toxic if there is a lack of understanding and support.
You might have heard parents say, "Don't go out with friends, don't travel alone, don't do this, don't take up a job outside your native place, don't take up this course, DON'T THIS, DON'T THAT!" Remember that such parents are actually imposing their possessiveness, their likes and dislikes, their fear on their kids. It will not take much time for their love to become toxic for their kids in such cases. It is important to recognize the early signs of toxic relationships to lead a healthy relationship with your loved ones.
Do not hesitate to seek support from a professional counsellor if you see things going out of your hands.
Quick tips from Consolace to deal with toxic relationships!
● Know your worth- Ask yourself, do you deserve to be treated like this? If the answer is 'No' then learn to say NO to toxic things in your life.
● Trust your family and friends- If they are saying that you are tolerating and ignoring way too much. There must be something in it. Listen to them!
● Seek professional support- Some toxic relationships can be handled while a few others are worth saying goodbye to. Know how long to wait and when to leave with a professional counsellor's support. It is always good to have someone by your side. Don't stay emotionally drained. You deserve better!
For further assistance and support, you can get in touch with professionals at Consolace Counselling Services, Trivandrum.